Redeemed I am

My summer ended in a crash. Everything I had planned ended and there was nothing I could do to fix things. My heart had to start back at home base and work its way back around. I was a wreck, a mess, a disaster.

Before the end of July, my life was together. I graduated college, had a job, a boyfriend, good roommates, good family, getting plugged into a church. I had my relationship with Christ. It was all good. That's all, just good. I had everything together. I HAD it all running smoothly. Just me running the ball game but then my relationship with Christ was just there too.

Like I said everything was good, it wasn't great or just amazingly fantastic and just great. It was mediocre, I was just comfortable and settling for how things were. If it was hard, I was handing the stress and just taking it on. I felt like a linebacker walking into each day trying to get everything together but I had it. The things in life that were good, I enjoyed it and was happy with it but something was still missing. I just kept those good things good, I didn't let them get past good.

The thing is, I can't control things. I don't have the puzzle pieces that put the picture together. I can't say how things are going to go or what needs to be done next. But I was handling everything and when I needed God then I would let him step in and pull me out of whatever mess I had gotten myself into. Everything was always just at the emotion of good because that is as far as I could humanly possibly get.

I was missing part of my relationship with Christ. When I was down, hurting, not feeling to par, I would let Jesus in, I would let him take me to the places that hurt. He would bring me out but then when I felt comfortable I would take things from there. "Hey Jesus thanks for helping me but I've got it from here..."

WHAT. How wrong does that sound? How awful, conceited, prideful, idolizing. But God has this story, he uses us as part of the story. He takes us on these places in HIS story to bring GLORY to His name. When I go in and don't let me finish HIS story, life becomes comfortable, mediocre, and just okay good. When Christ comes in and takes you through every single pain, ache, hurt, and chain in your life, He makes things GREAT. He makes things so great because GLORY is seen through his name. But I have to stop trying to play God, I have to let my pride down and know that I am a sinner that knows nothing. I have nothing. God didn't send His son to die on the cross for me so things could be good, He sent His son to die so that Glory could be brought to his name.


I wrote this Psalm during Redemption group. This is where God has brought my heart from the middle of September to now.

I have been sinking under. Trying to hold myself up, each time I reach closer to the surface, I'm pulled back under.
Putting my trust, comfort, and hope in people. Letting them meet my needs. But they fail, pulling me way back under
Chasing and holding onto idols to take my stress away, they become my all. Pushing me way back under.
The waves go over me. The waves of people pleasing, of idolatry, of control. The rejection from man, the hurt he caused. The waves of sin knock me down. I think I have it all.
As I reach the surface, I finally stay above. Only because this time I give it all to Him, my savior, my father.
I see in my heart the love he has for me. It goes on forever and is bigger than any wave.
I am beautiful in Him. As beautiful as I see the wave from a distant. It is over bounding as the ocean.
He has made me a warrior but only as through him through His love can I fight the rejection and hurt of this world.
I continue to fight the waves as they crash over me but this time with my gracious Father.
He pulls me in closer and walks me through each wave, through my days. Loving on me more, giving me the ability to overcome.
And in the waves I rest. Because in Him, he brings me through each wave in peace, in love, His grace overflows so I let him as I follow Him in His great story.